Poetry – Life Stages

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Dolls ponies kickball screaming bruise
childhood
Boys angst shame body confusion
teenage
Marriage work pretending big loss
twenties
Health Pain Drugs Homebody Silence
thirties

forties? fifties? sixties?
yet to come

Making My Own Zines

Lately, I’ve really gotten into making my own zines – handmade little booklets of my art and writing on subjects I find fun or interesting. I am selling these on Ebay, but there are currently limited print runs of 5 copies each (I’m not sure if I’ll do future reprints or not). So if you see one you want, you might want to get it soon 🙂

Here are samples of the ones I’ve made so far (covers and first page of each zine is shown):

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So which is your favorite? Let me know in the comments!

 

 

Feeling Shitty

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To be honest, I’m feeling pretty damn shitty today. Bad mood all over. I also can’t seem to do anything right today. I’ve knocked half the shit I tried to pick up or handle on the floor today.

Feeling unloved, unlovable, and like everything is ultimately pointless and I don’t even like my own company when I am in this kind of mood 😦

Man, I feel lousy. I think the only way I’d feel much worse is if there were two of me.

Sometimes I really hate being bipolar or whatever the fuck is wrong with me.

Poetry – Asexual Confessions

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(Pixabay says this plant is Asexual lol)

I generally find women
more attractive than men,
but I have no desire
to fuck either.

The attraction
is purely aesthetic.

(Want to help support this blog?)

Ohio Coronavirus Lockdown – How I’m Coping

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Here in Ohio we are now in an official lockdown, where only essential business is allowed to be out and about. I don’t have any official business, so I’m stuck at home lol. Being home all the time does start to get to you after a little bit. You don’t realize how much even small things, like being able to go to a restaurant, sit down, and eat affect your mood until you can no longer do them.

On the positive side, I am trying to stay busy. Today I did some cleaning and organizing around the house and it felt REALLY good. I would definitely recommend it to others stuck at home. Doing stuff like that makes you feel like you are accomplishing something, and it feels great to look around afterwards and see the change your cleaning up has made.

I’ve also been reading some, doing a lot of social media gazing, watching tik tok dances (a guilty pleasure of mine), doing puzzle books, and I took a few paid product review jobs through Upwork, just for something to do and to make a few extra dollars. So far I’ve signed on to review several supplements/vitamins (I loved the hemp gummies!), books, wrinkle reducing masks, a nail decorating kit, and a kebob maker. Hey, I get lots of free stuff that way too!

So how are you all doing? Are you under quarantine? If so, what are you doing to stay busy? Are you having any trouble with depression or anxiety? I know I have at times.

A Couple Political Thoughts

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1) The Trump phenomenon has made me come to a rather depressing conclusion. I honestly do not think Trump is inherently more racist than many others of his social class and age, but the strong narcissist in him would do anything to please his adoring fans and many of them seem to WANT the racist rhetoric. They want someone to blame for the situation the country is in, and as always, the poor immigrants are an easy scapegoat.

It makes me rethink my own feelings about Hitler. Was he really that racist to begin with, or like Trump, was he simply a narcissist that wanted the adoration and noticed that the crowds cheered louder when he would scapegoat the Jews and other minority groups? I’ve seen some of Hitler’s speeches, and indeed, some of the loudest cheers seem to be for any kind of hatred toward the “others” as they saw them.

Is the real villain the narcissistic leaders who feed off the hate, or the cheering crowds who WANT the hate in the first place?

2) Also, as a Bernie fan, I really like Bernie – both his policies and his old-grandpa-get-off-my-lawn personality lol. BUT we must remember that it is the policies that matter most. A movement should never be about one person, it should be about ideas and goals. If we make the progressive movement about one person, or even a few people, then we risk the danger of the movement dying when those people die, disappear, or let us down in some way as most humans eventually do.

(The above are my personal thoughts, feelings, and opinions. I welcome discourse and even disagreement, but please keep it respectful! No name calling or personal attacks on other commenters either please!)

My Foot Hurts!

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I could really use a foot massage right now lol.

Not having a good day so far. My plantar fasciitis is acting up bad. For those unfamiliar with the condition, it is an extremely painful condition that affects the arch and inside heel of the foot. I’ve been staying off my feet, but it still throbs so painfully I ended up taking an opiate last night. I’ve been icing it and trying to do all the stuff you are supposed to do during a flare up, but this is definitely the worst it has been in a while.

Unfortunately, staying off my feet also means that I am either sitting or lying around all day, which is not good for my neck/back issues. When I do have to get up, I limp around carefully. I have also been taking NSAIDS and muscle relaxers, but don’t think they do much of anything.

Do any of you suffer from plantar fasciitis? If so, I feel for you. This condition sucks!

My Sister Would Have Been 43 Today

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Today my sister would have turned 43 if she hadn’t prematurely ended her life around 8 years ago. I still miss her deeply. Part of me is glad she is out of pain, as she struggled horribly with mental illness, physical pain, and serious addiction issues, but most of me just wishes things would have been different. I don’t hold any real anger towards her final action, but there is a lot of sorrow and wondering exactly what was the final straw.

Has suicide ever touched your life personally? Have you lost a friend, family member, or other important person that way? If so, how do you deal with painful occasions like their birthdays/anniversaries/etc.?

A Few Random Life Thoughts/Happenings

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  • The grief from losing my kitty is starting to ease a little bit. Still a big loss, but I’m trying to focus on the future and how to bring more good things into my life right now because it feels like I could really use some good things.
  • Tonight I’m attending a poetry class at the library. The idea of the class is to use everyday castoff materials (like old ads, receipts, junk mail, etc.) as inspiration to create poetry. Thought it sounded fun and I could use the social connections right now.
  • I’m seriously thinking about auditioning for a part in a local theatre production soon. It makes me nervous as I haven’t done anything like that since school, but I feel I need to grow and add a little excitement to my life. I don’t even want a big role or anything, I just want to be a part of something fun and creative.
  • Just a thought, but I noticed something recently I wanted to share. It seems to me that when people share their darker thoughts and feelings straight out in essay form, prose, or spoken word, they are often sort of subtly shamed and told to cheer up in one way or another, which I find interesting, because when those same dark thoughts/feelings are shared in artistic forms like poetry/art, I’ve never seen people react in the same way by telling them to simply focus on the positive or cheer up. It makes me think that our darker thoughts and feelings are only really acceptable to many when slightly masked in some sort of art form. Why is that?

Poetry – Better Than Money

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I like many things
better than money –

windy skies
and resilient wings,

fiddles that set
everyone dancing,

minds that are open
and yet, not empty,

churches unconcerned
with old books,

and warm, cozy homes
littered with cats.