Dreary Day for a Dreary Mood

It’s a dreary day here. The fog is so thick, I can’t see past our nearest neighbors’ houses. It kind of matches my mood inside. Feeling sluggish, depressed, and exhausted.

I’ve been having crazy dreams at night, which are leaving me feeling like I haven’t slept. Last night I dreamed that Trump died, but I was surrounded by Trumpers when I got the news and their grief and anger was so overwhelming, I had to pretend to be heartbroken too or I was afraid they would hurt me.

A couple nights ago, I had the EXACT same dream at least three times in a row, even waking up at the exact same moment. That dream was about some weird plot to invite everyone around to this huge mansion or castle-like building and then kill them all off one by one until only the mastermind behind the plot was left. Each time it got down to only the one guy left, I would wake up. It was strange because I wasn’t really in the dream either, it was more like I was watching it unfold from a viewing point, like watching a movie or something.

I’ve also been struggling a lot with insecurity in my relationship with my husband. He is doing everything he can to show me that he is sorry for hurting me in the past and is working on fixing his own emotional issues, but I still feel insecure and scared at times that he will somehow undo the progress he has made and go back to old habits.

My Uncle’s Funeral and Family Connections

Here you can see three of the Egyptian figures I got from my Uncle’s collection (circled in pink) on my table

Over the weekend my husband and I went over to Indiana for my uncle’s viewing and funeral. Although the occasion was obviously sad, it was really nice to see some of the relative I rarely see, especially my cousins. One of my cousins even told me that he had been reading my writing and loved it. He encouraged me to “keep doing what you’re doing”, and that meant a lot ♥ I didn’t even know any of them read my work!

I got a few momentos to remember my uncle by as well, which was nice. Since we both love Egyptian art and mythology, I got several of his Egyptian figurines, and a quilt that was made by my great-grandma. Having that connection to your roots during sad times like this can be comforting and make you feel a part of something bigger than just you.

My Uncle Passed Away

My uncle did pass away, so tomorrow we are heading for Indiana for the viewing, and then the funeral is on Saturday, at the church he pastored for many years. Feeling sad about it all. I’ve glad he isn’t in pain and won’t suffer anymore, but I’ll miss him. The whole week has felt rather dark and overshadowed by the loss, so my mental health has been struggling a bit. I’m trying to make sure to do fun things and fill my life with activity so I don’t get pulled down too far into a depression, but it has been rough.

When you have experienced times of loss and grief, how do you cope? Do you have any specific suggestions that help you keep a positive frame of mind through the sadness? I am allowing myself to feel the sadness, but I don’t want to get swept away by it too much and end up in a dark depression, as that has definitely happened in the past when I experienced the loss of loved ones.

This Winter Storm Sucks

Man, all this snow is getting me down. I haven’t been able to go out for days and am feeling a bit of cabin fever and depression. My husband (a teacher) has worked 1 day in a week and a half because school is being cancelled pretty much every day. Our roads here are pretty bad. Not Texas bad, but not good either by any stretch of the imagination.

I feel bad complaining about the weather here in Ohio, when I see all the suffering going on in Texas, but it still sucks that we are getting more and more snow, over a foot already and counting. I know Texas’s problems are not really due to the weather but more to the fact that they have their own power grid to avoid federal regulations, and some of those regulations they ignore are to help protect against cold weather like this. So their infrastructure failed. Goes to show yet again that putting profit above all and doing all you can to avoid regulations comes back to bite you in the ass eventually 😦 I still hope power is restored soon though because there are a lot of vulnerable people paying for Texas’s political mistakes.

How are you and your family doing during this winter storm? Has it affected you at all? If you are in Texas, how are things going there? I hope you are staying safe and helping each other if needed.

Teenage Trauma Almost Made Me Give Up On Life

One of the few pics of me from that time. Not too many happy memories.

I went through a lot of trauma between the ages of 15-19. I had already been through prior trauma, losing my dad to a heart attack at the age of 12, getting hit by a delivery truck while crossing the street when I was 10, living with an abusive, dysfunctional family dynamic from birth, etc.

But from the ages of 15 to 19, a lot of other bad stuff happened in short sequence:

  • My mother married my first boy friend that I brought home from school. They married on his 18th birthday. I was 15 and had to go to school with my new “stepdad”. It was humiliating. I started skipping school constantly and went from a straight A honors student to just not caring.
  • I started working a rather dangerous and technically illegal 3rd shift job when I was 16. There was one really threatening experience where a drunk guy was physically threatening me and I had to call the cops. Scary stuff at that age.
  • When I was 17, I was robbed at gunpoint after a shift at Burger King (after leaving the above job obviously).
  • When I was 16, we moved from Georgia, back to Indiana (where I was born), which meant leaving all my friends and the school I had been attending for the past five years. I found it very hard to integrate into my new school.
  • Being dumped on family and friends unceremoniously when my mother and her husband wanted to go away. I had to stay with people I really didn’t like, in living conditions that were pretty nasty at times. Places I knew my mother would have never stayed herself, but she left me there so she could go away and have fun.
  • I developed my first “real” feelings for a guy around 17-18. Unfortunately, he led me on, made me think we might have a future together, then lied to me, moved another girl in with him, told me they were just friends, then when I found out they were together and expressed anger about it, he wrote me a nasty letter saying I was obsessive and pretty much accused me of being crazy.

Looking back now, I really wish I could have known then what I know now. I wish my adult self could have been there to comfort myself. I wish that instead of giving up on education and school, that I would have embraced it as a way out. At the time, I was just so humiliated and depressed, that skipping school and not caring seemed the only way.

Before all this happened, I had big plans. I wanted to go to college to study journalism. I had dreams of being a foreign correspondent, or even just a regular reporter. At the age of 12, I was studying college course catalogs and trying to figure out which college would be best for journalism. I would also regularly write practice made up “news articles” just for fun. I wish I had kept those. I’d imagine they would give me quite a kick now. My other dream was to own a used bookstore.

The trauma made me give up on all that. I stopped caring about my future at all. I couldn’t see that I HAD much of a future at all. It is really a wonder that I never attempted suicide. I think my fear of hell (because I was religious at the time) is probably what stopped me.

I guess in the end, my determination and stubbornness has helped me fix some of the errors made back then. I have become a writer, even if I’m not a journalist. I write a fairly successful blog here, have published and even won awards for books I’ve written, share my poetry here and on social media, have worked freelance jobs as a copywriter, ghostwriter, editor, and reviewer – so I’ve come a long way for someone who didn’t take the traditional path and get a college degree.

I guess what I’m trying to say, is that if things seem like they can never get better, they can. Don’t give up. I still have to tell myself that today on my bad days and in my bad moments. And if you are young, don’t give up on the things that could be your way out (like education).