Nighttime Dread and “Quiet Borderlines” Thoughts

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I slept in until after 2pm this afternoon. I hate when that happens. I feel like most of the day is already gone by the time I get out of bed. I must have slept at least around 12 hours last night, even though I had a bit of an emotional fest when I actually went to bed. For some reason, all the loneliness of the world seems to settle down on me when I try to go to sleep and all the horrible things that have and could happen come around to haunt me. It is often at these times that I feel absolutely alone and helpless in this world, even though logically I know I’m not…at least not right now. But I could be. I could be all alone very easily and that thought sends me into a kind of despair I can’t explain.

Recently I have been reading a book entitled “Beyond Borderline: True Stories of Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder”. Reading the book has been insightful and interesting, and made me realize I am definitely NOT a traditional borderline. I simply don’t have the acting out behaviors. I guess I could be what some people call “quiet borderlines”, although sometimes I wonder if they are really borderlines or not?

Perhaps some “quiet borderlines” are actually more along the lines of Avoidant Personality Disorder or another anxiety-related personality disorder? Who knows. I’m not a doctor so I can’t say, but I do find so many commonalities running through various personality disorders, that even if you have one, pinpointing which one might be difficult and many people have traits of more than one. For me personally, I think I definitely fit more into the cluster C “anxious and fearful clusters” than the cluster B “dramatic and overly emotional clusters”. In fact, the only time I am visibly overly emotional is when I am so anxious I pretty much panic. Unfortunately this almost always seems to happen in public, because social interaction in itself can easily set off the panic in me.

 

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I’m Back on YouTube!

I took three months off YouTube to focus on my written blog here and just because I was feeling a bit burned out making videos. Now I’m going to focus on my toy and children’s book channel (Maranda’s Toys & Books) as far as video-making goes, so if you guys are into that kind of stuff and want to subscribe to my channel there, please do so!

Here is my “comeback” video:

“The Playbook: 52 Rules to Aim, Shoot, and Score in This Game Called Life” Book Review

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I wanted to write a short review of a book I picked up at the library recently. I found it in the children’s section, but I truly believe it is an inspirational read that anyone of any age could appreciate. It is called “The Playbook: 52 Rules to Aim, Shoot, and Score in This Game Called Life” and it is written by Kwame Alexander, who happens to be a Newbery Medal-Winning author.

The book is a fairly quick read, with much of the book being simple “rules” for success and inspirational quotes from various athletes. There are a few written chapters interspersed throughout that tell personal inspirational stories about athletes that obviously inspired the author. The one that I found most interesting was the chapter about Wilma Rudolph, the incredible Olympic track champion. I had no idea that Wilma had suffered chronic illnesses throughout her childhood, including polio! A woman that went on to win three gold medals for running in a single Olympics was once a child that had only one working leg and had to wear a metal leg brace for many years!

Stories like these mean a great deal to me as someone who struggles every day with chronic pain and other health issues. It makes me feel like I can still make a difference and chase my dreams, even if there are significant obstacles in my way. Another story in the book that made an impression on me was the one about Venus and Serena Williams and how their father would actually pay other children to yell out rude and demeaning comments to his daughters while they practiced tennis as kids. He knew they would face racism and other forms of hatred and wanted to toughen them up. I’m not sure this is actually a good parenting tip lol, but I guess it seemed to work in the long run for the girls.

There was one quote in the book (by the famous motivational speaker Willie Jolley) I took a real liking to:

“A setback is a setup for a comeback.”

Imagine having that attitude about every challenge we face!

PO Box Opening Fun! Cute Sloths, Favorite Anime Series, and New Books!

I recently received a wonderful assortment of goodies from a friend and blog reader named Brian via my PO Box! Most of the time when I receive mail via my PO Box it is either books or products that companies or authors would like me to consider reviewing, but once in a while I do get something just for fun and that is always awesome!

The first item in the box I received was this adorable Easter sloth dressed up in bunny ears! Isn’t he the most adorable thing? I love sloths in general, and Brian knew that since we had exchanged cute sloth videos on Facebook in the past.

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The second gift in the box was this awesome Death Note anime dvd set! It has the complete series, which is awesome since Death Note is my favorite anime series of all time (which is saying something since there are a number of other anime series I love as well)!

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Lastly, since he knows I love books, Brian sent me a cool Batman graphic novel and an art book. The graphic novel is called Hong Kong and starts out with a weird murder plot involving a snake which drew me into the story right away. The art book is called The World of Rubens 1577-1640 and is a compendium of works by the artist Peter Paul Rubens. I was familiar with some of Rubens’ work, but this visual guide definitely widened the scope of his work for me.

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I want to give a big “thank you” to Brian for sending all this neat stuff! I’ve really enjoyed it so far! If anyone else ever wants to send anything via PO Box for me to consider sharing on my blog (or to enjoy privately), here is the address:

Maranda Russell
PO Box 14
Englewood, OH 45322

I am always happy to feature children’s books, toys, candy, cute stuff, and anything related to subjects I blog about frequently, such as mental illness, autism, chronic pain conditions, etc.

Almost 500 Followers! And My PO Box Info!

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I’m only 2 away from 500 blog followers! That is so cool and makes me really happy! I am always astonished to see that many people who care about what I have to say and who enjoy my art!

By the way, in case any of you were unaware, I do actually have a PO Box which I originally set up for my YouTube channels, but if anyone who reads my blog wishes to send me a note, letter, fan art, supportive donations, a book or other product to consider featuring on my blog, etc., you can send it to me at:

Maranda Russell
PO Box 14
Englewood, OH 45322

Please keep in mind that if you do send a book or product for consideration, I am most likely to feature ones that go along with the themes of my blog (art, writing, mental health/mental illness, chronic illness/pain, autism, etc). I am also a sucker for anything sweet (like candy) or cute and fluffy lol.

If you send something you DO NOT want featured on the blog or you wish to remain anonymous, make sure to let me know by enclosing a note expressing your wishes. I will be adding the pertinent information on this post to a separate blog page so that it will be easy to locate in the future if anyone wants to support this blog in that way.

Crushing on Kylo Ren

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Today my husband and I finally went to see the new Star Wars movie. I’m not a huge Star Wars fan, not nearly as into the series as my husband has always been, but I don’t mind these new episodes too much so far. Part of it is that I like having a strong female Jedi lead (even if she does seem to be lacking a bit in backstory from my point of view). But my favorite part of the new series so far is Kylo Ren. From the first time I saw his profile, he immediately reminded me of the character Severus Snape from Harry Potter, whom I love. I’m not sure why he reminds me of Snape so much, maybe the dark hair against white skin, or the black robes, or the constantly simmering anger, or the emo vibes, or the deep monotone…

Anyhow, getting to see so much Kylo Ren in this new episode was a treat 🙂 I was really happy when he crushed his helmet, so we could see his face more. Before seeing this latest installment, I had seen all kinds of claims about it online and heard many, many complaints. Some of the complaints, about plot holes, cinematics, character flaws, etc. might actually have some credence, but the outlandish claims that this new movie is feminist or even communist propaganda seem really, really off to me. Especially the communist claims I’ve heard from some alt-righters online. Even the feminist claims seem seriously messed up though. Just because we have a female lead it is overly feminist? I don’t get that at all.

Pagan and New Age Books I’m Reading

So full disclosure, I think I’ve become a pagan. I’m still agnostic, I don’t believe firmly in any specific deity, although I do have a belief in a kind of universal energy that exists within all things. I guess you might call it a kind of animism which is typically a pagan belief system. I don’t ascribe to Wicca specifically because it has a few too many rules for my liking, so I am definitely an eclectic pagan. I do occasionally do little nature rituals, but I do what I feel speaks to me, not just following others’ ideas. I do enjoy reading about the various Gods and Goddesses because I believe they are important archetypes of various types of energy, but I don’t necessarily see them as beings actually existing in the physical realm.

So on to the video I’m sharing for today, this is just a brief overview of a few books about pagan and new age spirituality I have been reading recently:

Promotional Opportunity for Other Indie Authors and Artists!

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Hello everyone! This is a special post to invite my fellow children’s authors to take part in a new promotional opportunity! I recently opened a PO box for my YouTube channels, and want other indie authors to feel free to send physical copies of their books/book-related items to be featured on my YouTube vlog if they desire to do so! My vlog channel “Maranda’s Collectibles & Books” has over 1,300 subscribers and over 300,000 views on my videos! Any children’s or YA books/promotional items are welcome. All appropriate packages I receive I open on video and share with my audience (I try to read a bit of the back blurb of each book on camera as well if possible). I want to use my channel to help other children’s writers get their books noticed! Artists are welcome to send artwork as well (just make sure it is appropriate for a general audience)! If you wish to be featured, send a copy of your book (signed if you wish) with any promotional materials to:

Maranda’s Collectibles & Books
PO Box 14
Englewood, OH 45322

*If you want to include a little donation to help support my channel, that would be great too, but definitely not required!

By the way, I do have a second YouTube channel geared more for adults entitled “Spiritual Agnostic” which deals with religion/spirituality/philosophy/psychology/mental health. If you would like to send a book, artwork, or something else related to those subjects to be featured on that channel, you can use the PO box information above, but make sure to address it to “Spiritual Agnostic” instead of my other channel name. Please take a look at the channel first though to get a feel for the kind of stuff I typically cover, please note that most fiction would not interest me for that channel.

Video: Some New Fun Naive Collage Artworks & PO Box Info!

Hi everyone! I wanted to share the below video featuring some of my newest artworks and cute character collages. Recently I’ve really gotten into combining my passion for cute, child-like cartoons and characters with my desire to create unique naive outsider art. As mentioned in the video, I also have a PO Box now where fans can send me their art, letters, or anything else they might want featured in a future YouTube video! If you see any art you like or would like to see other artworks I have for sale, make sure to check out my Ebay store: http://www.ebay.com/usr/shojobeatgirl1982.