Lately I’ve been thinking that I really want to embrace positivity and “raise my vibration” as they say in spiritual circles. I want to fear life less and feel more secure in who I am. I want to learn how to extend the dedication and loyalty to myself that I so easily give to those closest to me.
I want to focus more on love, peace, hope, joy, and oneness, and focus less on division, anger, despair, and apathy. To be honest, I feel that I’ve somewhat been stuck in a mire of negativity and pessimism since my sister killed herself six years ago. The trauma from that event caused such a raging storm of guilt, confusion, pain, regret, and loss of faith in anything I used to believe in.
I don’t want to undo the last six years, because I feel I have learned a lot and some of the things I have let go of needed to be let go, but I need to learn how to live for myself and my future now. I can’t change the past, but I can shape a better, brighter future.
I want to make a difference in other peoples’ lives too. I want to inspire and encourage others. I want to learn how to trust again.
Been super unmotivated and blah today. I wanted to write a post but didn’t want anything that would take too much brain power lol, so decided to list the things I DID manage to get done today as a way to give myself a little pat on the back for even trying!
Stuff I Got Done Today:
- Writing this post (still in process)
- Put dishes up and cleaned kitchen (it desperately needed it)
- Got my husband to change the trash
- Listed several new artworks on my Ebay for sale
- Called my mom back (had to leave a message, but that is actually preferred in the mood I’m in lol)
- Had a tuna sandwich and the last Reese’s Pieces cookie for lunch
- Gave all my kitties some love
- Read a picture book about Mary Shelley (the creator of Frankenstein)
- Showered and all that other hygienic stuff
- Watched some Disney Channel
- Watered my plants that are still alive after a week! World record for me probably!
with the hair
on their heads
(Poetry by Maranda Russell, marandarussell.com)
- I don’t owe you anything!
- I’m nothing like you.
- You don’t own me and you never did.
- You deserve what you got.
- Sometimes I feel nothing for you.
- You are at fault for so much.
- You have no one to blame but yourself.
- You are lucky to have anyone who still cares.
- I’m a saint for forgiving you.
- Without me, you’d have nothing!
- I hate you sometimes.
- You’ll never break me.
- I’ll never crack.
- I am a much better person than you’ll ever be.
- I’m smarter than you.
- You fuel my creativity with anger, disgust, frustration, and grief.
- I’ve made something good out of your mess.
- I am superior – by actions and attitude.
- Your religion doesn’t hide the truth.
- I found love and success in spite of you.
- I’m the person you always wanted to be, but couldn’t.
- Toys have always been better company than you.
- You helped me find and lose faith in God.
- I will heal.
- I’m STRONGER than you.
*By the way, BetterHelp has a great article on emotional abuse, I would recommend it!
Here are a few important questions to ask yourself about your purpose and meaning in life! For fun, I have provided my own answers to them as an example! If you do answer these, I would recommend taking the time to write them down, think about them carefully, and be as honest as you can!
- What is your life work? My Answer: Writing, sharing ideas and emotions, creating art, advocating for and comforting others with autism, mental illness, and chronic pain/illness.
- What is the meaning of your life? What gives you purpose? My Answer: Inspiring others (kids, fellow Aspies, those with disabilities, other outsiders). Loving family, friends, and animals (loyalty).
- What is your passion? My Answer: Writing, spirituality, philosophy, psychology, toys, books, animals, art, creativity.
- What does the world lose if I wasn’t here? My Answer: A child-like, loving heart and spirit. Loss of inspiration and creativity. The loss of a voice crying out for justice and harmony. Loss of a unique thinker.
- What would it take to begin fully living my dreams today? My Answer: Time, the willingness to fail or be ridiculed, the possibility of being proven wrong, unwavering belief in myself, trust in what is meant to be, hope.
You string me along
then toss me away
like a song.
You want me
only when it’s
when your pastel
color and you
need me to
brighten the walls.
But now I see
your game –
I’m wise to your
Not afraid to
walk away, I
leave you at
facing your own
~ Art & Poetry by Maranda Russell