Why am I leaving?
No, I’m not traveling back in time to stop Hitler.
Nope, not Mao either.
Yeah, that whole holocaust thing was a disaster, but that’s not my assignment.
Nope, I’m not allowed to save JFK or MLK, even if I’d love to meet those two.
Yes, stopping slavery earlier would be noble, as would working to prevent the coming climate disaster.
Unfortunately, I’m being paid to go mess with history for one reason and one reason only…to stop the discontinuation of Cap’n Crunch Choco Donuts. Bezos loves his cereal.
I murder houseplants. Not intentionally, mind you, but the result is still the same…dead flowers, dead leaves, dead roots. I’m pretty sure I’ve even killed the dirt (if that’s possible).
Regardless, for some unintelligible reason, people keep gifting the little pots of green hope to me. I swear, sometimes I’m convinced I can hear their little floral voices begging for mercy and a swift end as their tiny veins dry out and the edges of their delicate fronds curl up, eventually crinkling, splintering, and fluttering down to settle on the ceramic base below.
Over time, I’ve learned to look away from this process, as it tends to bring me down. I only wish I could grant my victims a similar solace.