Feeling Old and Sick

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Today I’m feeling about as old as Bugs and Daffy look in this picture I colored a while ago. I’m only 35 years old, but it often feels like I am much older physically, thanks to the chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia. My husband currently has the flu and when he was telling me how bad his body aches and fatigue were, I couldn’t help but think that I’d never be able to tell the difference from my everyday body aches and fatigue. In fact, with my chronic ear and sinus infections, the only way I ever know for sure if I actually get a virus is if I am running a high fever. Otherwise, I figure it is just my normal daily crud I have to deal with.

Sometimes it is easy to forget what it was like to NOT feel sick all the time or hurt constantly. I can’t even imagine living without it all now. I’ve become so used to the routine that I’ve accepted it in a sense and admitted defeat in my own mind. That is likely not a good thing, considering that I feel I’ve lost all hope to ever feel healthy again. I’m not writing this today to try to illicit sympathy or just to whine, but it is what I’m thinking about and dealing with, so I felt it only honest to share. If you are a fellow sufferer, let me tell you that I am truly sorry you have to go through all this as well.

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Sweet Freedom

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I finally have a car again! Since April of last year, my husband and I have only had one car between us. During the summer it wasn’t so bad because he doesn’t work, but when he returned to his position as a special education teacher this year, I started really getting feelings of being trapped at home and desperately wanting to get out, even if it was simply to run an errand or two or people watch (one of my favorite past-times).

We started looking for a car a few weeks ago, using some money I had earned from writing and some savings we had socked away. We only had around $2,000-$3,000 dollars, so we were definitely working on a budget. We finally found a good, reliable used car last week and bought it, but we weren’t able to drive it until yesterday since we had to wait to get the plates and make sure our insurance was covering it now.

So now I have a car again!  I don’t plan to go out and do a lot (my health prevents that) but I can run down to the local post office, library, dollar stores, and McDonald’s myself now! Of course, we live out in the country, so there isn’t a ton of stuff to do within a few miles, but hey, something to do is better than nothing! Due to my health problems, I try not to drive more than 10-15 minutes away from home (I never know when the fatigue may worsen, IBS may flare up, or vertigo may strike), but at least I am feeling a bit more free and able to do things for myself!

Could Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Be Caused by Toxic Mold?

Hello everyone! So today I’m sharing a book review vlog video I made yesterday. For anyone who has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Fibromyalgia, or similar chronic illness, or who has a special interest in those subjects, this book might be something you would want to check out! If you have already read the book, let me know your thoughts!

So…6 Days in the Hospital: What I Learned

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Hello everyone! Well, yesterday I finally got to go home after spending 6 days in the hospital. Spending any time in the hospital isn’t the most pleasant way to spend time, so 6 days there certainly isn’t a party. However, some good did come out of the experience. For one thing, the original problem (horrible side affects and adverse reactions from prescription medicines) was solved….at least I hope so. I only say that I hope so because too often in the past I thought that a medication change was beneficial, only to develop an intolerance, allergy, or a Lollapalooza of side effects later.

Another good thing is that I really felt like I opened up and made some friends while hospitalized. After moping around the first day or two and even getting enraged because I couldn’t go home yet, I finally sucked it up and started coming out of my room to hang out with the other sickies. I met quite a few others, who, like me, were struggling with the results of pharmaceutical persuasion. Others were walking around slower than molasses, giving me the impression they were not currently inhabiting their physical form. Turns out I was wrong about at least one of those cases though. Who would have guessed that the guy who left me wondering if he was mildly or even moderately retarded was actually a highly educated and trained research engineer for the United States Air Force? Here I was thinking he was a few french fries short of a Happy Meal, when he is actually helping design and produce bombers.

Another positive? I found a doctor who seems almost a little TOO interested in Aspergians lol. As he declared himself (in similar words at least), “pretty much every great advancement in human history is due to autists”. I’m not sure about the actual historical accuracy of that statement, but can’t say there isn’t some kind of truth hiding in there. Apparently we neurologically diverse humanoids are pretty fascinating creatures to some out there.

A few other brief things I learned:

*Apparently you don’t insult Axl Rose. I don’t care though, the guy always seemed like an asshole (just ask his ex-bandmates).

*Having your own room can make all the difference when you are autistic and forced to live in a crazy sensory environment.

*It is foolish to pick up bugs when you don’t know what they are. The suckers might deliver a wallop of a sting!

*Sometimes the smallest act of kindness, like giving up something you want because someone else wants it even more, can make all the difference in the world to someone.

*Just saying that you like manga is enough for some people to love you!

*Nurses are often the true heroes of healthcare.

Author Self-Interview! (Fun Facts About Me)

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So the idea and questions for this post come from the Usborne “My First Story Writing Book” which is an awesome resource for helping kids learn creative writing skills! I thought it would be fun to answer some of the questions they ask myself and share!

I live with…
Myself
My husband, Steve
My 3 cats (Spyder, Mao Mao, and Icky)
Depression
Yearning

The most unusual thing about me is…
I’m a physical and mental trainwreck (who knows what is actually wrong with me???)

My worst fear is…
My husband dying.
Being alone.
Having to support myself entirely.
Spiders getting into my ears.
Getting sicker or being in even more pain.

I feel happy when…
People appreciate and compliment me.
When I am being creative!

My biggest ambition is…
Make more money as a freelance writer/book reviewer (maybe review books for bigger companies).
Work with kids again. Maybe hold more children’s writing workshops in the future.
Grow my blog/vlogs.
Advocate for those with chronic illness and mental illness.
Sell more art on ebay!

My first memory is…
Riding in a stroller and being frustrated that I couldn’t get out!

A Few Words About Applying for Government Disability Benefits

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(The below was written out of simple outrage from what I have seen happen to fellow human beings who are genuinely too sick and weak to work, but are expected to wait years for any help from the government programs they have paid into all their lives. I am fortunate to have other resources to survive on while unable to work, but not everyone is so lucky. Many homeless you see on the streets are actually disabled veterans and citizens who deserve so much better…)

Applying for government benefits, even those you have worked for and earned yourself, can be a ridiculously long, complicated, and humiliating process BECAUSE they design it to be so. They want to break you down, make you give up, make you give in. They expect the sickest and weakest among us to jump through hurdles on command, knowing it is almost an impossibility unless there are others propping us up.

Honestly, I think they hope that you will die on your own before they have to do a damn thing. I can picture Uncle Sam with fingers crossed, hoping you buckle under the stress and poverty, or even end up taking your own life from the hopelessness and despair of feeling useless, discounted, and vilified by a media that touts how “easy” it is to fool the system and labels those who are disabled as leeches or lazy.

Apparently discrimination laws don’t apply to the government either, since they clearly indulge in age discrimination, something every lawyer will blatantly tell you up front. Even publicly, you can find legal representatives in the field explaining why you are simply fucked if you dare get too sick before age 35, 40, or even 50. So if you are a young adult or middle aged person struggling with a chronic illness or severe pain condition, you had better tell it to get lost and come back in 10 or 20 years. Yeah, that works. After all, young people aren’t allowed to be sick or disabled.

You know, it is really funny, that many of the same people who are so public about being pro-life are also always trying to cut social safety net programs like disability or make them harder to access. If they could, I think sometimes that the government would perform adult abortions on those too weak or sick to continue to prop up their sick, twisted system. Getting rid of us all would be so much easier, wouldn’t it?

Dear Einstein, A Letter to a Beloved Lost Pet

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Dear Einstein,

I’ve been dreading this for years. I knew when I chose to have so many cats that I would someday likely have to make a decision about whether to artificially extend one of your lives or try to save you from enduring unnecessary pain. Even so, when the decision had to be made, it was no easier, even though I had said for years that I would rather have to put one of you down than to see you suffer needlessly. This is the first time I have had such power over the life or death of a loved one and I hope it will be the last, although I know it probably won’t.

To be honest, you have been kind of a pain in the butt for most of your life. As a kitten you were a holy terror who had amazing powers of destruction. As an adult, you were a grumpy, angry cat who would often give a warning bite when petted the wrong way (pretty much anywhere but around the head). You were fun to tease because your reaction would be over the top within seconds. All I had to do was walk within a couple feet of you and you would start growling in annoyance. You were definitely the alpha male in this house and constantly reminded us of that fact. You reminded everyone of a regal lion, both in dignity and in your attitude of entitlement.

As we sat in the veterinary emergency room, making a decision about your fate, one of the vet techs came in and told us what a sweetheart you were. We laughed and said “she really doesn’t know you well, does she?” The fact that anyone would think that, told us how very sick you were. To be seen as cooperative and mellow just wasn’t in your nature. As I looked into your sad, blank face with tears running down my own cheeks, I knew I had to let you go. If we fought to keep you alive, you would have been miserable. I know you would have hated the long hospitalization, frequent medical procedures and forced medication.

Even had we went ahead with the treatment, the vet was blunt about the fact that you had six months at most to live and even that was highly unlikely. He told us the cost of treatment in dollars and that was certainly something that would have been a struggle for us, but the true cost to us was the misery we knew we would have to put you through just to keep you with us a bit longer. In good conscience, I couldn’t do that to you, because regardless of how mean and grumpy you could be, I love you with all my heart.

I admire your straightforward, take-no-crap attitude and the fact that you were never afraid to be yourself and stare any enemy down. I admire your intelligence…Einstein was definitely a fitting name for you. I loved the precious moments when you would be uncharacteristically loving and sweet (mostly when you were sucking up or asking for something). I think of you every time I open the door and you aren’t there trying to sneak out. It is these things, these precious memories that I will carry with me now that you are gone. I love you and miss you. Goodbye, my sweet Steiner.