A Night Full of Nightmares

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Last night I had a bunch of nightmares. In fact, I woke up feeling like that was all I did all night – face some of my darkest fears. These nightmares didn’t feature vampires, ghosts, ax murderers, clowns, or spiders…they featured the person I love the most in the world, my husband.

In these dreams my husband turned cruel and cold. He stopped caring about me. He wanted to leave me or even kill me. The betrayals started small in the dreams, with him choosing friends over me and simply being uncaring and dismissive of my feelings, but they accelerated as the dreams went on and turned to him expressing extreme hatred towards me and even trying to stage an “accident” to get rid of me.

Let me say that these dreams ARE NOT representative of my husband’s treatment of me. We have been together 15 years and he has been wonderful. Caring, patient, understanding, loving, forgiving….all of these are adjectives that fit him perfectly. He always puts me first before anyone else, often, even before himself.

So why the bad dreams? My guess is PTSD. When you grow up in an unstable environment with mentally ill, abusive, and selfish people who often put their own desires before your needs, it fucks you up for life. You always feel unworthy. You always feel like the rug of security can be pulled out from beneath your feet at any time. You feel like you don’t deserve good things, and if you do happen to get love and affection, you are suspicious and paranoid about it. How I wish I could just forget the past.

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I Love a Good Conspiracy

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Admission time…I LOVE a good conspiracy. JFK. Roswell. 9/11. The Illuminati. Skull and Bones. I love it all. Sometimes I think conspiracy theorists can go too far (Sandy Hook being a hoax comes to mind), but overall, I’m willing to view evidence either way and see why people come up with the conspiracy theories they cling to. Sometimes the evidence makes me highly suspect foul play, even if I can’t prove it. And that’s the thing, I will tell others I suspect a potential false flag, but I won’t make a proclamation that I know the truth for sure. Of course I could be wrong. There are some things I do not believe were false flags that I could be wrong about too of course.

So with the Las Vegas shooting, I have been taking in media from a mainstream perspective as well as watching some videos and supposed “evidence” that the shooting may have actually been a state sponsored false flag (false flag does NOT mean it didn’t happen, just that the government planned it). I have not been convinced either way. The footage of gunfire possibly coming from the 4th floor is rather fascinating, but not conclusive proof. Of course motive is a question whether you believe the media narrative or the false flag narrative. False flags normally are done to demonize a group of people, give an excuse to start a war, or distract from something else the government doesn’t want you to notice is going on. With Trump in office, God only knows what they might try to distract us from!

Regardless of whether things like this are crazy people gone rogue or some kind of sinister plot cooked up in Washington, I do support banning high capacity assault weapons. In my opinion, normal people just don’t need access to those weapons. Of course, that doesn’t mean I trust the government either, but heavily armed governments vs heavily armed rebels just ends up with dead people everywhere. I like to believe there is another way to make change, which definitely needs to be made. I’ve studied how the US government supports terrorism around the world and it convinces me they are undoubtedly capable of inflicting such things on their own people should it suit them.

So yes, I do enjoy a good conspiracy and might post about them, but that doesn’t mean I am putting aside all skepticism. I’m just skeptical about both sides.