Today I finally see my psychiatrist for the first time in several months. I’ve been looking forward to this, but also dreading it. I feel like something is definitely off with my meds. I’ve been extremely depressed the last few months and lethargic as well. I feel disconnected from pretty much everyone and everything. So I feel anxiety partly because I fear the doctor WON’T change my meds, and things will stay like they have been, but I also feel a lot of anxiety that the doctor WILL change my meds, because then who knows what will happen? Maybe I’ll get better, but what if the new meds make me worse? All this really makes you realize how fragile the brain really is, and how easy it is to upset its delicate balance.
Anyhow, if any of you out there believe in prayer or sending good thoughts or any of that kind of stuff, please send me good vibes today and wish me the best!
*Art by Maranda Russell
I’ve been feeling a lot of art insecurity lately, so decided to make a video about it:
You would think after you have your first book published and spend lots of time out in the public marketing it, that you wouldn’t be so nervous about future releases. Unfortunately, that just isn’t the case. At least, not for me.
Of course, I think part of the reason I am anxious right now is due to the nature of the current project I am working on. You see, my first published book was a picture book, but the book I am currently editing for publication is a poetry collection geared for young adults. There are several reasons that this particular project makes me nervous, so I figured that maybe if I put a name to these worries and move them out of the dark corner of my mind, perhaps they won’t have such power over me. So here they are, the anxious thoughts that have been haunting my dreams and my waking hours too:
- The first worry is just that the book will be a big flop. Now this is a worry authors seem to have with every book they write, but I think the concern is greater with poetry books. Why? Because normally poetry just doesn’t sell. It’s sad but true. I do have a little glimmer of hope though since my book will be geared towards young adults, who actually do read books in verse, as long as they aren’t pretentious and boring.
- Since this book is for young adults, that brings insecurities of its own. I’m used to reading my work to little kids who treat me like a superstar because I am an author. I’m not sure how teens will treat me. I guess my biggest fear is that they will roll their eyes, fall asleep or pronounce my work “lame”.
- I know this may seem like a silly concern, but punctuation weighs heavily on me at times. Everyone seems to have their own opinion about the correct way to punctuate poetry. There are the grammar police who think you should punctuate poetry exactly like you would prose. Then there are the free spirited folks who don’t want to see much punctuation. Honestly, I don’t think that teens will care much about the punctuation, BUT their teachers might…and they are the ones I have to impress to book school visits.
- Lastly, I am plagued by insecurity simply due to the vulnerability of poetry. Yes, as an author I do put a bit of myself into any book I write, but poetry takes that intimacy to an entirely different level. We put so much of ourselves into our poetry…fill it with our hopes, dreams, pains, struggles and our most private thoughts. If my poetry was rejected, I would honestly feel like I was rejected, because there is so much of myself contained within those verses.
You may be wondering by this point why I am even bothering to publish this book if I am so anxious about it. The fact is, regardless of how it turns out, I want to put myself out there. I want to be honest and real, expose the parts of myself that most people don’t see. Why? Because those are the kinds of books that have changed my life, and I want to do the same for the kids I come in contact with. I think the rewards will eventually outweigh the heartache…at least I hope they do.